For Burned-Out Moms, Is Texting the New Cheating?

Today's moms are exhausted and overwhelmed. Sure, the pace of the world today leaves all of us feeling some level of stress from time to time, but research clearly shows that mothers suffer from chronic low-level stress. The current standards of perfection by which women measure each other, and themselves, suffocate, create anxiety, and are certainly a key factor in the increase in diagnoses of depression and anxiety in women and the reliance on alcohol and even drugs that mothers have experienced in recent years.

After a long-enough period, chronic stress becomes burnout — burnout from their jobs, significant others, and even their children. While burnout has become a buzzword of the day, there are sneaky ways it can manifest itself and damage relationships. A less destructive vice that some women use to seek comfort is social media. Certainly, social media doesn't have the same effect as routinely drinking too many glasses of wine at night before bed or overspending — but what feels like a mindless way of zoning out can, in fact, become dangerous when social media becomes a portal to another life.

In the not-too-distant past, before Facebook and Instagram, in order to flirt with someone or pursue a relationship outside of your marriage, you would have to take the risk of actually meeting with that person, taking the chance of being seen in public by prying eyes. This typically meant sneaking around, lying about your whereabouts, and covering your tracks. Today, all you need is a smartphone and a social media account, and the world is your oyster. You can reconnect with old flames or start flirting with total strangers, all from the convenience of your own home. You can be feeding the baby and texting your ex heart emoji; you can be driving your kids to music class and feel your heart skip a beat because "Jane" aka Scott from your CrossFit class sent you a message; or you can be lying in bed next to your spouse and telling the new person at work how you can't wait to have lunch tomorrow.

I hear stories like these over and over again from women in my private practice. These are women who are burned out in their real day-to-day lives and have found an escape in a constructed one. They are mothers under the incredible pressure of being the "perfect" modern mom who don't have time for self-care and haven't had sex with their spouses in months because they feel unhappy, disconnected from them and possibly resentful, and downright exhausted. They tell me they can't remember the last time they had a manicure and their hair is way overdue for a color. They feel unfulfilled and stuck, whether working out of the home or in the home, and ashamed to share their feelings. And there are never enough hours in their days for the kind of self-care they need to feel better. But what they will make time for is a private escape via their smartphones. The phone offers a free, easy way to feel good about themselves again by "harmlessly" flirting with someone who isn't their spouse, someone who makes them feel exciting and interesting again.

These moms tell me that the thrill they feel when they receive a text or private message from that other person is something they haven't felt in years. These women do not realize that the fatigue, resentment, stress, and lack of connection with their spouses they feel on a daily basis is a reflection of something much bigger, and that the escape hatch they've created via their social media accounts is just a Band-Aid on a wound. These women are experiencing classic mommy burnout, something that an online crush won't cure.

Women share with me that they fantasize about having intimate and exciting sex again with someone other than their spouses, sending their kids away for the week with grandparents, or just going away all by themselves to a tropical island with drink in hand.

For most women, these are just secret thoughts. They come and go and are not acted upon. But, when a woman who is a mother and wife experiences stress long enough to the point of burnout, she has easy access to other men or women who may also want to escape their realities. By tunneling into a relationship that isn't real, they are redirecting the love, time, and affection they could be giving their partners or kids. They are also cheating themselves of addressing what is really happening in their relationships and the possibility of improvement.

Take the time to evaluate that communication for what it really is. Burnout can manifest itself in so many ways, but at its core, it is about women allowing themselves time for self-care. A person on the other end of a text message just isn't going to fix that for you.

So what do you do when you find yourself escaping into technology to "talk" to someone who isn't your partner? How do you take steps to break away from what feels like an innocent flirtation before it becomes more complicated and causes real emotional stress and hurt? Here are some tips:

Dr. Sheryl Ziegler is a doctor of psychology and licensed professional counselor. She is the author of Mommy Burnout: How to Reclaim Your Life and Raise Healthier Children in the Process (out Feb. 20).